I have been pensive of late. I have come to the conclusion that I am both blessed and cursed at the same time. The source of such mixed emotion is creativity, imagination and a flair for stories. I feel a burden upon my soul, so much so that it crushes me daily. My head is full with rampant visions of tales of such majesty and originality and I fear now that my skill is not much up to the task of it. Everyday a new tale papers within my head, everyday I drift off to new lands, new planets, new horizons. Stories of such grandeur, stories of magic, stories of myth and majesty. Stories that can chill the soul, or break the heart.
Yes, for I am cursed with creativity, I see it is a blessing, for I would not be without it. But, I am cursed that although the gift has been bestowed upon me I seem unable to produce work of sufficient quality to warrant recognition. I do not seek fortune, I do not seek to be famous with my bank account showing zero’s as far as the paper will allow. No, indeed not, what I seek is the opportunity to live in my worlds. To have a living wage equitable to what I currently receive would suffice. Time is of the essence. I need time to sit and conjure the worlds that inhabit my mind, to explore and share what I see.
Creativity is a curse I bear, one that I wish to share with you all. If only you could see what I see, if only you could meet my friends, if only you could glimpse such wonders. It is my everlasting hope that one day my hands, my voice will be up to the task of showing you. I will work hard to show you such wonders. Time, it comes down to time, but in order to have time I need money. I must care for my wonderful family, I must provide for them so they want for nothing. Mouths must be feed so I engage in the everyday task of employment. To be paid for creativity is a dream, one I fear I will also strive for but never quite reach. The skills are mine to gain, to acquire, to develop.
I failed in all competitions entered thus far, and I am grateful for the opportunities. I received such wonderful and helpful feedback and I know more of what I must do of how I can develop further the tools of my trade. It is not about the equipment I use, although it helps, it is about words. Crafting them to form the shapes within my visions. I have been described as a sociopath, but aren’t all creators, aren’t all visionaries detached from reality and form their own worlds. Sometimes those worlds take on physical manifestations and that battle between reality and fantasy takes a very real world turn. I have battles against demons all my life. I escape into fantasy to deny the existence of real world problems. Although I have not needed to do this for some time my past encroaches and the guilt of what has gone before, the lies I told, the actions I took, take on and cause me grief.
I have changed, channelled into fiction what my mind tells me to say and do. Fiction has been an outlet for the grim reality of life. I have such a wonderful life now in all areas except one. My curse, my blessing, my creativity needs to be realised. I am both happy and sad. My success in life is shadowed by the failure of my fantasies and I am redoubling my efforts to change that. Oh, I do not expect overnight success, I wish it so, but I do not expect it. I will find my way, I will find the manner of outlet that best suits my visions. I will find a way to express myself with such eloquence. I am capable of such beautiful writing. I will craft the words to my will and one day I will support my family, my way of life, while giving the world the kingdoms of my mind.
Thank you for listening.
Peter Lewis, Writer 