Posts Tagged ‘depression’

I have been pensive of late.  I have come to the conclusion that I am both blessed and cursed at the same time.  The source of such mixed emotion is creativity, imagination and a flair for stories.   I feel a burden upon my soul, so much so that it crushes me daily.  My head is full with rampant visions of tales of such majesty and originality and I fear now that my skill is not much up to the task of it.  Everyday a new tale papers within my head, everyday I drift off to new lands, new planets, new horizons.  Stories of such grandeur, stories of magic, stories of myth and majesty.  Stories that can chill the soul, or break the heart.  

Yes, for I am cursed with creativity, I see it is a blessing, for I would not be without it.  But, I am cursed that although the gift has been bestowed upon me I seem unable to produce work of sufficient quality to warrant recognition.  I do not seek fortune, I do not seek to be famous with my bank account showing zero’s as far as the paper will allow.  No, indeed not, what I seek is the opportunity to live in my worlds.  To have a living wage equitable to what I currently receive would suffice.  Time is of the essence.  I need time to sit and conjure the worlds that inhabit my mind, to explore and share what I see.  

Creativity is a curse I bear, one that I wish to share with you all.  If only you could see what I see, if only you could meet my friends, if only you could glimpse such wonders.  It is my everlasting hope that one day my hands, my voice will be up to the task of showing you.  I will work hard to show you such wonders.  Time, it comes down to time, but in order to have time I need money.  I must care for my wonderful family, I must provide for them so they want for nothing.  Mouths must be feed so I engage in the everyday task of employment.  To be paid for creativity is a dream, one I fear I will also strive for but never quite reach.  The skills are mine to gain, to acquire, to develop.

I failed in all competitions entered thus far, and I am grateful for the opportunities.  I received such wonderful and helpful feedback and I know more of what I must do of how I can develop further the tools of my trade.  It is not about the equipment I use, although it helps, it is about words.  Crafting them to form the shapes within my visions.  I have been described as a sociopath, but aren’t all creators, aren’t all visionaries detached from reality and form their own worlds.  Sometimes those worlds take on physical manifestations and that battle between reality and fantasy takes a very real world turn.  I have battles against demons all my life. I escape into fantasy to deny the existence of real world problems.  Although I have not needed to do this for some time my past encroaches and the guilt of what has gone before, the lies I told, the actions I took, take on and cause me grief.  

I have changed, channelled into fiction what my mind tells me to say and do.  Fiction has been an outlet for the grim reality of life.  I have such a wonderful life now in all areas except one.   My curse, my blessing, my creativity needs to be realised.  I am both happy and sad.  My success in life is shadowed by the failure of my fantasies and I am redoubling my efforts to change that.  Oh, I do not expect overnight success, I wish it so, but I do not expect it.  I will find my way, I will find the manner of outlet that best suits my visions.  I will find a way to express myself with such eloquence.   I am capable of such beautiful writing.  I will craft the words to my will and one day I will support my family, my way of life, while giving the world the kingdoms of my mind.

Thank you for listening.

Spiral!

Posted: July 9, 2014 in writing
Tags: , , ,

*Disclaimer*
I am writing this post, not to upset, not to worry people or to get attention. I am writing it because of a sense of catharsis. To explain how I am doing as I cannot often express myself very well beyond the written word. This is not a cry for help I just want people to understand.

SPIRAL

For nearly 10 years I have battled against depression. It really is a battle and it strikes me down, I keep saying that if you strike me down I will become more powerful than I can possibly imagine, but often it waits in the dark recesses waiting, watching, whittling away the defences until a breach in the wall is open then it floods in and attacks. People like me build defences, coping mechanisms that often work. My primary one was alcohol. This was the worst one to be honest, I had a very unhealthy relationship with booze and it was destructive! As a result I have very few friends. My drinking was a crutch, a way to deal with the everyday. But that changed. 3 years ago I stopped that destructive lifestyle before I did real damage. I still drink occasionally but not for a very long time, and certainly not in the quantity I once did.

I have always been very introverted! I am a shy, reticent character with very poor social skills. I upset and often people easily, often because I don’t know I am doing it. Part of my problem is I can’t express myself very well, and hence I am laying my thought down here for all to see, who knows maybe someone out there knows what I am talking about. I don’t know that I am spiralling down until I look up and realise, how did I get here! I am at work today, and I looked up, and realise I am slipping down. I am tearful, but hiding it, I am tired, I have a fog in my he’d that is difficult to see through let alone think through. I am shying away from people, colleagues who are nice to me I am being deliberately remote. I can’t look people on the eye. I am sliding down, spiralling, spinning and just can’t stop!

As I said at the start, I find it difficult to talk about this and you, dear reader, don’t know how difficult it is to write this all down. But, if I don’t then it Tay within me, it, not unlike a volcano, builds pressure. The pressure gets worse and worse until it pops! I struggle to find the words to say, “I’m sorry, I need help” or “Please, I don’t mean it! I can’t help it!” I end up bubbling and boiling and becoming snippy for no reason, I hurt, inadvertently and never physically, the ones closest to me. I don’t even know I’m doing it! I can’t work if out I have a skewed view of events. It is my fault, all my fault and I don’t know I’m doing it. This makes me angry so Ido it again and again and again. I spiral!

The problem when you get into this state of mind is you use coping mechanisms to deal with it. Now the drink is not in the picture I use food, food is my friend, food make me happy, but the issue with that is you wake up one day, like today, and see yourself, see your guy hanging over your trousers, your back aching because your not jut carrying a fee extra pounds your carrying the equivalent of an extra person. I saw myself and was repulsed! If I was repulsed what must others think of me? I get called fat, fatty, big every day. It has got to me now. Self worth, self esteem self image is at an all time low.

I have a wonderful family, 2 gorgeous boys whom I love with all my heart and a phenomenally wonderful partner who is doing an amazing job raising out sons. Yet, I struggle, I struggle to feel valued, I struggle to feel wanted. THIS IS MY PROBLEM! It is nothing she has done, it is nothing the boys have done. It is a chemical imbalance in my head that makes it like this. When your looking up you see that the grass is greener and you are standing in dust. I know this is not true but life goes on all around and you get envious, you envy the guy on benefits driving the brand new BMW, you are envious of those that spend loads of time with their families and still have money and time to go out for a pint or to the cinema. Your envious of everything. Everything seems fro when it is not, it seems unhappy when it is not. It is not that things are bad, it’s just my head feeling like they are.

When you get to this stage something else happens. Firstly, your concentration goes. You can’t focus on a book or a film, you become uneasy, putting down your book, doing something else, loosing focus. But, your brain does not stop, it spirals, goes round and round and round. It starts seeing things that aren’t there, you add 2+2 = Biscuits. And this is she the paranoia hits. You wonder, you push the people closest to you away then think that they are distant because of some other reason. They are distant because you have pushed them out! Not because they have run into the arms of someone better (although that has happened long ago). This is my own fault, my dammed head! I can’t stop it, i want to stop it, bug I can’t, so I get angry, I snap at people who don’t deserve it and I use good to overcome the feeling! If there is something in my mouth I can’t say something stupid!

Now the nightmares have come. Not nightmares with ghouls or demons, nightmares of the mundane. I have two recurring nightmares I have them twice a night that I know off and I have them so often I can remember them. The first is connected to the previous paragraph, I come home from work to find my partner in a passionate embrace and they laugh at me! Suddenly I am awake. The second is one I hate most, it scares me. I am climbing a ladder, it so so high, I can see buildings below me, people like ants milling about below. Suddenly, an inexplicably I am hanging on to the edge with my fingertips. I am desperate to hold on, maybe someone will come to help me, stop me from falling, but no one comes my fingers get sweaty and I slip and fall! And I am awake! So, I have such a broken night sleep that when I awake in the morning I am already tired. Because I am tired I get short tempered, so I eat, and I get angry so I eat. Constantly in a spiral!

I fight this with every fibre of my being. My mind works against me! This is how I feel right this minute, I am shaking, I can feel adrenaline coursing through me as I am in a panic. My legs don’t wang to hold me up and all I want to do is hide under my desk, hide myself away, disappear from view. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I feel the tears well up and I wipe them away before anyone can see. No matter what I do, no matter what I try I can’t stop. Sometimes, some days I bounce with enthusiasm and energy, and in a single minute I can change and just want to run away. Previous experience with this has given me the insight that the Verve was right ‘the drugs don’t work, they just make it worse’. No matter what I have tried it fails miserably, it gives and it takes away.

So, that’s me today! Spiralling out of sanity, trying to cling to the ledge and hoping I don’t fall. No one is at fault, no one to blame, it’s me! It is my head, it is my battle, maybe getting it out on here might help, I hope so, if not, it may explain to those closest to me what is happening because I can’t tell them.

As always I welcome comments!