This week’s blog is very introspective. I have been thinking a lot recently about life, the universe and everything. I have been thinking about how I got where I am, what the future holds for me, my family and everybody in general. And I have found myself feeling very depressed. It’s a strange thought process that I have been going through. I have been greatly affected by what I have been reading and it has set my mind on fire with possibly the worst question we, as human beings, can get stuck on, and that question is ‘What if?’
I love my family and love my home life, it is the one thing that keeps me going! So what is it that is bothering me? Well, I wish to highlight the fact I am well educated, very well educated, with degrees in History and Jewish History and Culture, A-levels to a high grade and few GCSE’s that are worth mentioning. So, what if I had worked harder at school? To be honest I probably would still be where i am today. School for me was not so much about learning English or Physics, it was about learning about life! How we interact with each other, how to cope with disappointment and how to stand up for oneself! University was about learning for me, and I did so with gusto! I worked so hard, rarely drank or socialised, save for the odd occasion. I was studious, committed and produced some rather phenomenal work. Since University I have pottered from meaningless job to meaningless job. To where I am now.
I work as a Security Guard, that’s right, a post graduate Security Guard! I do what I do because it pays the bills, well nearly pays the bills! Regretfully I can’t earn enough, we are covered but not quite comfortable, there certainly is nothing left over at the end of the month. But that is life, my biggest problem with my job is the conditions. Everyone seems to think I have it easy, I don’t! When I am required to intervene in a situation I put myself in grave danger! In the past Two months I have had to disarm a violent, paranoid ex-criminal, it specifically asked that I take all hidden weapons from him. Ok I handled the situation well, disarmed him, but I was in a room alone with him, just think what if he had taken offence and attacked, I would have had no chance. Which brings me to my biggest fear, what is that does happen? Firstly, I am on a zero hour contract, if you don’t know about them then your lucky! Zero hour contracts do not gut enter employment, do not afford luxuries like sick pay, you simply get paid what you work, and that is it!
So why stay? Believe me it is not by choice, I would be out of my current position like a shot if I could find suitable employment. But I can’t! I have applied for everything under the sun, all jobs that I can happily do competently and very well, problem is no one will hire me because they read the top line of my most recent employment and that is it! I am so frustrated with the job market! What if! What if! What if someone would take a chance I could do something sensational, I could do something extraordinary!
That is why I write, I write fiction so I can try to find a way out of my predicament! It is a cut throat world out there, the creative industries are awash with hopefuls all wanting the six figure deal! Well it would be nice! But, the pragmatist in me is quelling my creative side, preventing me from thinking straight. I am a man of limited thinking power, if my mind is occupied elsewhere, say job hunting? I struggle to compose fiction. It’s not writers block or procrastination it is simply I don’t have the capacity to concentrate. What if? What if? What if?
I recently read Stephen Kings most recent offering, Mr Mercedes, absolutely loved it, it really was a great book, but it had affected me and I am very close to cracking up over all the what ifs! The book opens with a random act of mass murder, it was not the murders that got to me big rather the randomness of it. I keep thinking what if someone hits me in the car? What if someone stabs me at work (not as unlikely as it might sound) what if tomorrow I’m struck with a long term illness, what if for whatever reason I just can’t get up in the morning? What happens then. I wish I could say that it would be ok! But then what if it isn’t?
Life boils down to a survival instinct and maybe ‘what if’ is just part of that survival instinct to make us more cautious, but, what happens when what if becomes all consuming! Well it eats you up inside, you verbs on becoming agriphrobic, your instinct is to run and hide and never come out.
I am trying so hard nog to let it all get to me, and my biggest problem is I have 10 hours of a working day where I don’t speak to anyone, I sit facing a wall until needed, and all I have is my thoughts. My work don’t like me to be distracted so they have stopped me from writing, I am to sit, I am to wait, I am to think. That is all I am to do. My work life is not even as good as a half life. It is sedentary, isolated, and is slowly driving me quite, quite mad!!!! I am seriously thinking of bringing Mr Flibble to keep me company!
Well, that’s my little rant for the morning, perhaps if you have an opinion you would like to comment, after all, it would keep me company! I will be back to my unique view on all things geeky next week, but, what if I don’t? What if…….?
Peter Lewis, Writer 